Road to Japan
by sasukedude
Summary: Brian wins an all expense payed trip to Japan for the family and excitement flares but when anidiot Pilotcaptain misleads them, Brian and Stewie are separated from the rest ad now must find their way back to Quahog from thousands of miles away. 10107
1. Intro

**My very first Family Guy Fic. I did the best I could with jokes and I hope you'll enjoy since it was HELL to write. Please leave a review and tell me how bad I did. Won't make me feel better but crack will. Enjoy!**


	2. Don't sniff my butt

**Family Guy**

_Road to Japan_

**Starring** **Bria**n and **Stewie** Griffin

The sun shone brilliantly, embracing the earth with its soothing warmth as the starks and sparrows glided gentley across the ocean blue sky. The children were playing freely in the open streets, free of danger and harm; tossing frizzbees, _"hoola hooping", _anything a child's innocent mind could prosper from. Just a typical early morn on Spooner Street and the Griffin house serene and peaceful----for the moment.

"ZAP!" went a zipping ruckus; little Stewie Griffin snug in his high chair aimed for the cranium of his unsuspecting Mother, Lois whose clattering of several dirty dishes kept her at a constant weak insecurity.

"Damn!" cried Stewie, "I seem to have exerted my power supply in an effort to splatter Lois' cerebrum across this culinary Penal Institution of Fish sticks and moldy bread. Oh well."

Shifting his head towards Meg Stewie strikes her with the Butt of his gun, calling her out with a ridiculous request.

" You! The grotesque one! I require sanitation as it appears I've soiled myself. Change Me!"

" Ow!" She exclaimed, whining to Lois as she rubbed the back of her head.

" Mom, Stewie made a stinky."

Halting her kitchen duties Lois turned with a fatigued grimmace. She wiped the sweat from her brow, narrowing them as she responded.

" Oh dear. Peter will you change Stewie for me? I'm beat."

Peter Griffin, the man of the houshold gave Lois an abstaining reply and not what she had expected.

" Gee honey I'd love to but you know I'm horrible with daipers; remember when I tried changing Jon Voight's daiper?"

_**Flashback**_

A Befuddled Peter stares blankly at a nude Jon Voight holding in his right hand the oversized daiper. Jon Voight inquires with a stumped expression to the bewildered man.

" What's the hold up?"

"Which end is the ass?" Peter replies.

_**Flashback ends**_

"Oh for god sakes Peter," She murmurs angrily, " How hard can it be?"

" Don't worry about it I'll take care of it Lois." Says Brian, walking through the Threshold with the morning paper in his hand.

" Thank you so much Brian. It's nice to know I can rely on** someone **in this house." Lois emphasizes.

" No problem." he retorts as he hoists Stewie from his High chair to the floor. Brushing himself off Stewie states a sly remark to Brain's expense.

" Me getting changed by the dog this'll be as exciting as that time I went on that Wonka Factory tour."

_**Flashback**_

Five children Including Stewie and Five adults including Peter are all being guided through the wonderous factory of the Illustrious Willy Wonka. The famous Candy maker prepares to open a door, lecturing on the fascination of his modern creations.

" Beyond this door you'll discover the fantastical secrets of my creation and my--OH DEAR GOD!"

Leaving the door ajar Wonka and the other children are shocked, forever mentally scarred as Behind those walls lay fifty-seven dead Oompa Loompas. Most of the children start crying and one of them even curls themself into thier parent's clothing.

" Oh my. Look away children." Wonka suggests with a nervous twitch and the contest winners do nothing more but comply though Stewie is intrigued and delighted.

" Well looks like the Everlasting Gobstoppers will be recieving a new flavor... mmmm." Comments Stewie, cleverly smirking.

_**End Flashback**_

Later that evening, Peter, Lois, Meg and Stewie are all watching television when Chris comes bursting through the door covering his groin. Stewie notices a stench and calls it out.

" I say what is that putrid aroma?"

" Gross Fatass you stink!" cried Meg. Chris Gaurded his loin even more. Shame and embarrassment shrouded his face.

" I accidentally pooped in my pants from laughing too hard at stuff boys laugh at."

" Well go change your clothes then," Lois implored, " You're startin' ta stink up the place."

" I can't," muttered a reluctant Chris, " The evil monkey who lives in my closet Is using them to promote his career as a Super Model."

" Chris I will have no more of your excuses; go change now!"

" Okay." Chris Responds, stomping up the stars and making his way to his room. There in the corner The evil monkey is posing for a photo shoot. The Photgrapher takes another picture.

" Alright pose for me baby!" Says the Photographer. The evil monkey does one last pose and to Chris' dismay it is the evil pointing finger of the evil closet monkey directed towards him. An erratic Chris shrieks in terror meanwhile Brian is second to walk through the threshold of the Griffin house with a paper in his hand and a smile on his face.

" Good news everybody! You know that contest I entered about a week ago?"

" Was that the one where you had to eat a bowl of your own vomit before te timer went off?" Queried Peter.

" Uh...no." Brian replied. " This contest was to answer a questionaire and it just so happens I'm one of twenty contestants who got a perfect score! This means I win an All expense payed Vacation to Tokyo, Japan!"

" Oh Brian that's wonderful!" Lois exclaimed joyfully.

" Congratualations buddy!" said Peter.

" That's not even the best part. It's a family trip which means we all get to go!"

" No Way!" Shouts Peter, " You mean I get to go to Japan and meet the famous Japanese Actor Jing Ban Xzu?"

" You don't know who that is do you?" asked Brian.

" Um...I do not." Peter responds.

" Wow", Lois states, " A family trip would really do us all some good; and to Japan, I'm so excited."

" Yeah, let's just hope this doesn't turn out like that fishing trip we took that one time."

_**Flashback**_

The Little mermaid is singing and dancing under the sea, yearning for a chance to walk among the people.

_" Up where they walk,_

_Up where they run,_

_up where they stay all day in The sun,_

_Wanderin' free,_

_wish I could be Part of your wor-AH!" _

She screams as she's being yanked from her humble Underwater abode to the dry surface, flopping around on the deck The Griffin Family stares Blankly at her.

" Oh boy we must be near one of those toxic waste plants."

"Peter that's a-"

"Way ahead of ya Lois."

With this Peter grabs a chainsaw from nowhere and hacks the little mermaid to pieces; blood spatters everywhere.

_**Flashback Ends**_

The following morning, the sun brings light to a brand new day and Peter with his morning paper in hand spots Glenn Quagmire in his trademark Leopard skin underwear and purple silk robe.

" Top of the Mornin' Quagmire, you must'a had some fun over there last night."

" Everyday's a party when the Q-man's involved! Heh, Alriiiiight."

" Listen could I ask you a small Favor?" Peter inquires.

" Sure Peter anything." Though humbly he askes, within the lecherous mind of Glenn Quagmire terrible thoughts were begotten.

_" Please say sleep with my wife, please say sleep with my wife!"_

" I need you to sleep with my-"

" Giggity, giggity!" Cries Quagmire.

" -house keys in your hands, The family and I are goin' on a trip to Japan and I want you to watch my house while I'm gone."

_" Damn!"_ Quagmire Thought!

" Sure thing Peter."

" Great!" Peter exclaimed, " I'll pay ya back somehow buddy."

" No need Peter, I'll find a way to compensate somehow." Says Quagmire shifting his eyes and bobbing his head.

" Uh...ok."

Later on, Everyone gathers in the car; as Peter drives off everyone notices a bothersome stench coming from the back seat. Stewie of course has the first word pointing to Chris.

" Good Lord! I say you infantile enigma of Lard and elepahnt skin, what is that vile scent mounting from the many folds of your arse?!"

" Chris do you still have those underwear on?" Asked Lois.

" No mom." Chris Pouted, " I was saving them in my pocket because a friend of mine said if you show an old pair of your underwear to a japanese prostitute you get a free BJ. I don't know what that is."

" Gimmie those Underwear!" demanded Peter, holding the underwear out the window shouting.

" I am Peter, Underwear king of the Japanese! Kneel before Strong American Man!"

Just as Peter aims to finish his rant the Smelly Underwear fly out of his hand and into Mr. Herbert's front Lawn.

" Good riddance." Lois comments as they continue on to the airport. Meanwhile Mr. Herbert comes to fetch the newspaper when flying in his face comes Chris' smelly underwear knocking him back into the house.

" Well, well Jesse, looks like the newspaper boy done delivered the special edition."

Mr. Herbert picks up Chris' stinky underpants, sniffs them and finishes his delight with his trademark gritty _"mmmmmmm"._

Later at the airport everyone rushes in a hurry to the correct gate.

" Peter do you even know where you're goin'?" Questioned Lois as she's being pulled by Peter's constricting force.

" Trust me Lois," he responded, " I know exactly where I'm goin'."

"Then tell me why we're in the Men's restroom."

Peter made a mocking gesture towards Lois, sarcastically answering her question.

" Um duh Lois, I gotta crap."

He turned facing the stall then entering mocking her once more allowing the echoustics made by his voice to flow through as he whispered to himself.

_" Pain in the ass."_

Whilst Peter released the contents of his bowels, Stewie and Brian were elsewhere, standing in a long line for what seemed to be souvinier T-shirts. Brian is reluctant to stay in line though in spite of Brian's lack of patience Stewie is determined to get a t-shirt.

" Hurry up Stewie the Plane leaves in five minutes!"

" Oh we'll make it on time. The line's already moving."

Brian frequently checks his watch. Fed up with the unecessary wait he grabs Stewie by the arm and yanks him in the opposite direction.

" What the hell! I was almost to the front!"

" Stewie you were 33rd in line and the old lady in the front had pennies, you'd have been there all day!"

" I swear dog sometimes I cotemplate killing you."

Stewie and Brian raced to the correct gate before the flight departed meanwhile Peter was still in his stall finishing up with Lois, Meg and Chris on the outside waiting.

" Peter let's go! The plane's leaving in three minutes!"

From afar the echoustics of Peter's voice were faintly heard but indeed heard all the same though very obnoxious.

" Hold on..."

The sounds of struggling and gasious noises arose from the empty bathroom walls to the ears of many passerby's curious as to where the noise is coming from. Embarrased and angry Lois run into the stall and hauls the insanely foolish Peter by his arms, his pants and underwear below his ankels. Though he is not quite finished making himself look a fool, Lois finished the job for him.

" What the hell Lois? I still need to wipe my ass!"

" Wipe it on the plane! We're going!

The Griffins all made thier way to thier respctive destinations, dodging people as they raced to beat the clock. Finally Lois and the others made it just in time to the assigned gates.

" Did the plane leave already?" Lois questioned the nearby assistant.

" Not yet. You made it just in time."

" Oh thank god. Here are our Tickets."

Lois gradually hands the stewardess their tickets and continues on to board the plane while in another part of the airport Stewie and Brian struggle to find the right plane.

" I say dog do you know where you're going?"

" Shut up! It's your fault we're late!"

" oh yes blame the baby."

In the distance Brian notices their designated gate and pulls Stewie towards that direction with an eager smile.

" There it is! Gate 120A. If we hurry we might still be able to make it!" Shouts Brian, Dragging Stewie by the arm as they approach a different yet mutally ambitious stewardess.

" Here you go." briefly stating Brian handing the stewardess their tickets and tugging Stewie along through the busy passage way to their flight.

" What about Lois, The fat man and those mutant offspring of theirs?" Questions Stewie, running alongside Brian.

" I'm sure they're on the plane waiting which is why we need to hurry."

In the nick of Time Stewie and Brian make their Flight and take seat in First Class. Brian adjusted his belt to his liking, carefully buckling so it's not too tight. Stewie repeats Brian's actions, his eyes browsing first class in hopes of finding something precious.

"Brain, something doesn't feel right." Stewie perceptively points out.

" Yeah I know," says Brian, " I don't see Peter or Lois anywhere."

" No not that. I just realized...you're a **talking** dog and yet no one cares to emphasize the fact that you may be a living act of God."

" Oh no actually I'm inbred so techinically it's a birth defect."

" Ironeeeeee." Stewie jeers ironically.

Whilst the dynamic, yet very odd duo prepare themselves for take-off, elsewhere The family Griffin take their seats in first-class.

"Oh this is nice, I wonder which in-flight movie they'll play." Said Lois, gracefully seating herself next to Peter with Meg and. Chris on the opposing side. They prep themselves for take-off, and in the midst of doing so a stewardess approaches them with a stern look in her eyes.

" I'm sorry folks but your pet gorilla is too big and will have to go into the cargo pit."

" I'm not an animal you stupid whore!" Meg exclaims, red hot and blowing steam from her ears.

The Stewardess laughs mockingly then snaps her fingers, signaling security to take her away and they act as such. Meg screams as she's being hoisted from her first-class seat to cargo.

" Mooooom! Daaaaad!"

" See you in Japan Honey!"

Seconds Later both planes prepare for take-off, the passengers undergoing turbulence and finally the planes begin ascending.

_" Hello passengers, this is your captain speaking. We've got a 12 hour flight to Japan followed by an in flight movie, 'The Break up', Vince Vaughn fks the hell out of Jenifer Aniston then throws her mutant ass to the curb so that's something to look forward to. Also for the Lunch special today we'll be having the Shrimp and garlic/parsley combo and for you rich, spoiled sons of bitches my piss and farts, your captain out."_

" This is gonna be a long 12 hours." comments Brian, watching as Stewie peers out the window at the passing clouds. Just beyond the wing of the plane he notices Hilary Clinton. Unsure of his eyesight's rationality Stewie wipes his eyes to convince himself of the false reality and the image of the president hopeful vanishes.

"Oh my gawd Brian," Stewie proclaims astonished, wrapped unto Brian's arm, " I think I just saw a gremlin on the wing of the plane."

Several hours and 40 glasses of dry martini later, the charismaic duo of infant and domestic pet arrive at their destination. Brian and Stewie humbly exit the plane only to find that Japan has relocated.

" Holy crap!" Cried Brian. " This isn't Japan, this is Iran! We got on the wrong plane!"

" Oh what a surprise." Stewie commented sarcastically. Furious Brian hops back on the plane and rushes to the cockpit, bursting in n the captain with malice.

" What the hell you said this was a 12 hour flight to Japan!"

"Did I say Japan?" retorted the nervous Captain. " I meant Iran. Kinda stupid huh? Now I'm gonna do something stupider. Security!!"

With this security came rushing down the aisle and into the cockpit, hoisting dog ang baby over their heads and off the plane.

The two brushed themselves off and watched as the flight took off leaving them stranded.

" Great, stranded in the middle of nowhere with little boy demon. Well we gotta find some way to get back home."

" I say dog you're sporting a good figure perhaps you release the hounds on some lucky stranger's face eh? That'll get us home."

Meanwhile in Japan, the Griffins exit their plane and embrace the feeling of their Vacation.

" I'm so excited, there's so much to see here." Stated an overjoyed Lois.

"Yeah, " followed Peter, " But I can't help but shake the feeling something's missing." While walking locals notice Meg and commense to screaming and running, pointing and shouting "GODZILLAAAA!!!"

" Oh no Peter something is missing!"

" Oh my god Lois I just remembered...I just saved a ton of money by switching to Geico."

" No Peter! We left Stewie and Brian at the airport!"

" That too."


End file.
